E-Male

2010-07-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

Chapter 15

2007-12-23T06:32:00.000-08:00

Jimmy wrote back and thanked her for the emails and empathized with her about her past and unfortunate choices in men. He said he wasn’t there to judge her on what she’d done in the past or, even what she did in the future, for that matter. He was just looking for a friend and hoped they could be friends.
He wrote for a while about how different their houses were and how it must be great to have all that space and not to be living on top of your neighbours constantly fighting for parking spaces. Then he asked about her stepdaughter and how she got on with her and how her daughter felt about her and even how she got on with the girls mother. Was she happy looking after her step daughter every weekend?
Jimmy was interested in all these questions, of course he was, he was on a fact finding mission, but really he was just skirting around the questions he really wanted to ask. He wanted to ask about her husband, about Adam. Jimmy didn’t like him already and he didn’t even know the bloke, but he had a picture in his mind and couldn’t shake it. First impressions and all that! He even had trouble writing his name, “A-d-a-m!” shit he couldn’t even say it out loud without getting a taste of bile in his throat!
Jimmy eventually filled his boots and asked his questions but first he wrote a pre-cursor saying that he sometimes asked questions that were none of his business and if he was out of bounds she was to tell him to mind his own business and he wouldn’t mind. He could feel his nose growing as he wrote that sentence!
So he asked; what did Adam think about her chatting to strange men on the internet and was he the only one? How were they getting on at the moment and when was the last time he hit her? Did he ever hit Sandra and how was his relationship with her? Why did his marriage break up with his last wife and what was all the secrecy about the garage?
Jimmy thought maybe he had gone overboard and asked far too many questions about Adam and not much about Corrine but it was well after 3am now and the lack of sleep was catching up on him. He signed off hoping to hear again soon and trudged up the stairs back to bed.
By the time he logged on again Jimmy had another email from Corrine which was pages long and addressed all the questions he had asked!
Corrine told him that she was happy to answer any of his questions and couldn’t think of anything she would be uncomfortable with but would surely tell him if she was. Then she went on to talk about her relationship with her stepdaughter, Martha and Martha’s mother Beth. Corrine and Beth apparently got on famously sharing the same common denominator, they both hated Adam. Though at this point Corrine didn’t call him Adam she called him jackass. Jimmy loved it and was much happier calling him that!
Up to and after the birth of Martha, Beth had put on a lot of weight and this hadn’t pleased jackass who started sleeping around. When Beth found out she threw him out, she might not have been so quick to, she had said, if she had realised how vicious the backlash would be. She endured months of physical and verbal abuse from jackass and his friends. She had windows broken and her car tyres slashed and it wasn’t until she had a court order against him that the torment abated. Corrine didn’t know any of this until she had been married a while to jackass.
Corrine also got on well with Martha and treated her like a daughter. Martha had no time for her dad, probably fuelled by her moms hate, and even called him Adam! Sandra and Martha also got on well they played and fought like sisters sharing a room on the weekend when Martha came to stay. They were the closest thing to sisters without being related, Corrine had said, as when she had married jackass he had also adopted Sandra, so the girls even shared the same surname. Corrine had added that she generally didn’t mind having Martha stay every weekend as it was company for Sandra but she would sometimes appreciate some participation from jackass who wouldn’t even go and pick Martha up and, she added, some weekends it would be nice to have some time to herself!
Then she got on to the man himself who she said was passed out on the bed next to her while she was typing this email. She went on to explain that the computer was in the bedroom and he had spent the afternoon drinking and was now sleeping it off. She said that he paid no interest in what she did and if he knew she was chatting to him he wouldn’t care. Jimmy somehow was not of the same opinion, but what did he know? She told Jimmy that when she signed on to the dating agency that she had opted to pay for the package which allowed men to contact her for free which may have been a bad move. She had been inundated with weirdo’s telling her what they would like to do to her sexually or asking for naked pictures and in one case actually sending her one! She said it was refreshing to hear from him without the sexual innuendo.
Corrine said that although her relationship with jackass was frosty at the moment he hadn’t raised a fist to her in a while. She tried to stay away from him to avoid confrontation and his “evil mouth” which he used to good effect on Sandra whom he called the little bastard.
She was unsure what was going on out at the garage and why all the secrecy but was interested to find out. He had started associating himself with a lot of unsavoury characters who would congregate out by the garage, some of them scared Corrine. A lot of the guys seemed to be Mexican, there were a large influx of illegal immigrants to the area lately, and Corrine wasn’t sure what their interest was in jackass or jackass’s interest in them. She knew he was interested in cars though and was pretty handy under the bonnet. Maybe these guys had something to do with cars though she didn’t think so. He was building up a large collection of cars Corrine had added some of which he was insisting in registering in her name which was odd. Odder was where all the money was coming from to buy the cars, some of which obviously weren’t cheap. When she had broached the subject with him he told her “keep your fucking nose out of my business bitch!”. What a lovely guy thought Jimmy!
She finished off the email by asking a bit about Jimmy, his family, his work and something which came as a bit of a surprise, his religion, then signed off with a kiss.

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 14

2007-12-17T01:30:00.000-08:00

Sleep, as it happened, was the last thing he did when he went to bed that night. He lay there awake thinking about Corrine and let his imagination go wild. What was occurring as he lay there in the pitch black was similar to a cartoon. A cartoon where the cartoon character, which now was Jimmy, would have a smaller version of itself perched on either shoulder giving him advice. Generally one would depict his darker, bad side and the other his lighter, good side. With Jimmy it wasn’t good versus bad it was more like a small, very small, version of him which wanted to do something on impulse versus the huge version of him, sat on the opposite shoulder glaring menacingly over, who wanted to do everything methodically, giving it long hard thought and never rushing in to anything.
The argument was raging;
“You are only chatting to her!” exclaimed little Jimmy.
“But she’s married!” retorted big Jimmy.
“It’s only email.” said little Jimmy and added rather weakly “and she seems nice.”
“What happens when her husband finds out?” thundered big Jimmy.
“He’s two thousand miles away!” mocked little Jimmy “You think he’s going to pop over and give you a slap?”
“No! But he might give her one, thick shit!”
“Oh, yeah.” said little Jimmy feeling his argument slipping away.
“And she hasn’t exactly had a good past record has she?” big Jimmy added pushing home his advantage.
“But you are only chatting to her.” little Jimmy repeated clutching at straws.
“You can’t keep using that as an argument!” countered big Jimmy, who now was sniffing victory as usual. Then as he was ready to move in for the kill Jimmy was pulled from his thoughts as he heard one of the boys getting out of bed.
Jimmy sat up to go and check on his son and as he did so both of the images on his shoulders disappeared in a puff of smoke, but as he stood up he heard big Jimmy in his ear saying, in an Arnie-esque accent, “I’ll be back!”
George had got up to use the toilet and after Jimmy checked he was ok and settled him back into bed decided as he was up he might as well put the kettle on. While he waited for it to boil he started up the computer and soon he was settled in front of it drinking tea and checking his emails. In amongst the spam was another email from Corrine. Before he read it he did some mental maths, if it’s 2 here must be 9 over there, he worked out with the use of his fingers! She had written again because in his previous email Jimmy had asked about her house and she had forgotten to tell him about it.
The house was built on a private road set back from the main road and was one of three in a cul-de-sac. Their road started on a steep incline, which was treacherous in bad weather, then levelled out to reveal her house about 50 metres from the top of the slope. Just beyond the house was some hard standing where they parked the cars then there was a large garage/workshop which also belonged to them. The road then curved gently of to the left where spaced equidistantly were two other houses of a similar style.
Corrine went on to explain that her current husbands’ (Jimmy liked “current husband” as if number four was waiting in the wings) daddy (Daddy! What sort of grown man called his father daddy?) Was, in her words, a big wheel in the town. Daddy is Adam senior; she had elaborated, and is one of the last rich men in town whose money is “old money”. He was the last in a long line of furniture manufacturers who had anticipated the downturn and got out while the going was good. He had re-invested wisely and was worth a fortune, some of which he had spent to buy Adam junior a new home.
Well apparently what he had done was to buy the land, have the three houses built then sell two of them. The money he made from selling the two houses paid for the land and all the building work, so in fact the house he gave his son cost him nothing! Money goes to money Corinne had said and Jimmy wasn’t sure if she was bitter or not.
Corrine went on to say that the land behind the house did not belong to them but was farmland that had remained fallow for a number of years even though the farmer regularly ploughed it. The girls had mini motos which they loved to ride across the field.
The garage/workshop was situated between her house and the other two and this gave them a reasonable amount of privacy of which she was grateful. Corrine thought it was an eyesore though and it was of no actual benefit to her, in fact to her it was out of bounds! This was Adams “private place” where he hung out with his buddies and tinkered with car engines. He had paid to have air con installed and had a large fridge, probably full of beer, and even had cable run from the house but tried to keep the whole thing very secret. He wouldn’t let Corrine anywhere near the place and when he went out he locked it and wouldn’t give her a key. She had said she didn’t care as all the time he was there he wasn’t near her and Jimmy guessed that made sense.
Corrine went on to say that one set of neighbours kept themselves to themselves but the other ones were a single dad and his disabled son who were forever knocking on her door. He was constantly asking her to look after his son while he just went here or just went there. Corrine did mind a bit but she did know if she had a problem with Adam junior she had somewhere she could run to, or at least hoped she did.
After Jimmy had finished reading he read it over again then after looking at the shoulder where big Jimmy had been sat earlier he raised his middle finger in defiance and started penning a reply. As he typed the first couple of words he was sure he heard in his ear, “You’ll be sorry!”

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 13

2007-12-09T02:43:00.000-08:00

Jimmy had heard again from Corrine before the weekend. She had emailed him a couple of pictures, one of her and her girls (who were of a similar age but looked nothing like sisters) and one of her home. The house looked very impressive, it was a brick built two storey building. A winding path lead up to a wooden front door in the centre of the house which was given a symmetrical look by a large window with white painted storm shutters either side. To the side of each window was trellis, also painted white, which was covered in red roses in full bloom. On the roof were two dormer windows one of which was obviously the girl’s room due to the proliferation of cuddly toys on the sill. There appeared to be no other properties nearby, well at least not behind the house. This was more apparent in the picture of the girls. Their picture was taken by the side of the house overlooking their back garden which seemed to go on for miles until it reached a row of trees in the distance. Jimmy wasn’t sure if the land was all theirs as a short distance behind the house it looked like the ground had been cultivated for planting.
Corrine had written, saying she hoped he didn’t mind her sending the pictures as she wanted him to see the girls and where she lived. She was hoping he could do the same for her as she was very interested to see his home and children. In fact she was looking forward to finding out as much about him as possible.
So that’s what Jimmy decided to do on Sunday. He would dig out some photographs of the boys and take some of the local area and email them so she could see where he lived. He also thought it would be a good idea to get a map of England and mark out places of interest, where he was born, where he had lived and where he was living now. He also got a map of Europe and highlighted all the places he had visited and also Gibraltar where he had lived for three years when his stepfather had been posted there.
When Sunday came Jimmy got up finished off his chores then sat down to write back to Corrine. He had his maps and photos all ready and had borrowed his sister’s digital camera which he had used to photograph his house and some of the local area. This he all downloaded onto his computer then he wrote an email.
Jimmy told Corrine that he was very grateful to receive the photographs and was happy for her to send anymore she would like to share with him. He told her that he thought that she had a lovely home and asked if it was sat out there all on its own or did she have neighbours. He also said that she had two beautiful daughters, though, and not to take this the wrong way, neither of them looked like their mother, and asked their ages and names.
Then he went on to explain about the pictures he was sending her, telling her which boy was which and how old they were, also why he had sent maps with highlights and what the highlights meant. He also told her a little about his current situation. How he was separated and in the process of being divorced and how the boys lived with him for part of the week and with their mother the rest of the time. He asked her about her marital status and if she had the girls all the time. He decided this was probably enough information for one go, attached the pictures and sent the email.
By the time he had finished writing it was just past midday and he had thought to himself that’s about seven in the morning over there. He had been doing that a lot recently, looking at his watch and thinking what time it was in Virginia. As he had nothing else planned for the day he drove into town to get a bit of shopping, getting home around two hours later. He wasn’t expecting a reply from Corrine for a couple of days, so was surprised to see one when he checked his email that afternoon.
She had been thrilled to get the photos and loved seeing all the places he had visited, the maps by all accounts had been a big success. She thought the boys were very hansom and looked like their dad. Did this mean she thought their dad was hansom? Jimmy wasn’t sure, but was feeling hopeful. She then went on to explain about her current situation and why the girls didn’t look alike.
Corrine was married, and not for the first time, this was in fact her third husband! Her first marriage was a short lived affair, they had apparently married on a whim and it was a big mistake. He was a heavy drinker who would after going out and getting drunk would pass out and regularly wet the bed. If she complained about him pissing on her through the night he would give her a slap, sometimes more. She managed to get the marriage annulled. The second marriage lasted a bit longer and resulted in the birth of her daughter, Sandra. This guy used to hit her a lot and had even pushed her down the stairs when heavily pregnant. One day when Sandra was still a small baby he went too far beating the crap out of Corrine and putting her in hospital. When she got out with the intention of pressing charges he had up and vanished. He hadn’t had anything to do with them since, another divorce. Then came number three, he was called Adam and had seemed like a night in shinning armour at first. He also had a failed marriage behind him and also had a daughter, the other girl in the photo, Martha. Martha lived with her mother during the week and spent weekends with her father, or rather with Corrine as her father had nothing to do with her. Adam had taken Corrine and Sandra into his home, the one in the picture, and after a while they were married. This is where it started going downhill, he expected her to keep the house, the girls and hold down a fulltime job while he went out drinking. Jimmy was starting to see a pattern here! Adam wasn’t as physically violent as the other two, his was mainly verbal abuse, but did have his moments with his fists. Corrine just kept out of his way now and they both did their own thing. Apparently they slept in the same bed but she slept as far away from him as possible, this struck a chord with Jimmy! Her escape was the internet and making new friends and she hoped all this wouldn’t put him off. Jimmy wasn’t sure, there was plenty here for him to think about and he was going to have to sleep on it.

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 12

2007-12-03T10:15:00.000-08:00

The next day Jimmy was sat in the canteen at work drinking tea and trying to avoid dripping ketchup from his bacon roll down his shirt when a scruffy postman sat on the table next to his roll, farted and said, “Give us a bite!”
“You can have it all now you dirty bastard!”
“That was the plan. Thanks Jimbo!” He said as he took a huge bite and simultaneously plonked himself in the chair next to Jimmy. “Long time no see.”
“I was thinking the exact same thing about you.” Jimmy said with a sigh, “Where you been hiding Clive?”
“I’ll tell you later I’m on a mission at the moment. You up for any overtime today?”
“Might be what is it?”
“Piece of piss, they are panicking downstairs as they can’t get it covered. They’ll pay us three hours overtime each for an hours work. You in?”
“Yeah, ok.”
“Meet me here at midday then, and, oh yeah we’ll need a van.”
“I see, you didn’t really need me you needed someone to drive you! You still banned?” Jimmy said with a grin.
“Maybe, don’t be late and you can thank me later.”
Jimmy was there at ten to twelve, Clive as usual was late. When he turned up at quarter past Jimmy said, “Where the fuck have you been?”
“Waiting for you downstairs!”
“Lying bastard!”
“Come on Jimbo,” Shouted Clive as he started walking out the door “We haven’t got all day to hang around here!”
“Give me strength!” Jimmy said through clenched teeth as he got up to follow him.
After they loaded a couple of bags of mail into the back of the van and he drove out of the yard Jimmy said, “So, where the hell have you been?”
“I was off sick with a bad back and then I was on holiday.”
“But I haven’t seen you for ages, not since we went out for a beer.”
“Ah,” Clive said “That would be when I got my bad back. You remember Ginger?”
“How could I forget? I’m still having nightmares!” Jimmy said with a shiver “Please don’t tell me that’s how you got your bad back!”
Clive grinned, “You’d be amazed what someone could do with two bottles of baby oil, a pair of rubber gloves, a pot of whipping cream and twelve foot of nylon rope.”
“Don’t you dare tell me! My brain started shutting down when you got to the baby oil and if I think about the rest I might throw up!” Jimmy said pretending to vomit.
“But I haven’t even mentioned the donkey and the vat of baked beans!”
“Fuck off and tell me about you holiday.”
“Ok, I had a great time!”
“We are talking about your holiday now, right?” Jimmy said fearing the worst.
“Yeah, the holiday. It was wicked!”
“Where did you go?”
“I went to the good old U S of A” Clive said smiling as he thought back, “San Francisco to be precise.”
Strange choice, Jimmy thought then asked, “You got family out there?”
“Nope, just booked a last minute cheap flight and went.”
“On your own?” Jimmy asked incredulously.
“Yep.”
“Where did you stay?”
“In a hostel.”
“So you got up one morning thought I’d like to go to San Francisco bought a ticket and went?”
“That’s about it.”
“Kudos to you man, there is no way I could do that! You have a good time?”
“The best, the gay pride march was on when I was over there. That was awesome!”
“You queer?”
“No, but you don’t have to be to have a good time.” Clive said with a wink and Jimmy wasn’t sure what to think. “The worst thing was on the bus ride to the airport I fell asleep and my bag was stolen. I lost my passport, phone, camera and all the contacts I made when I was over there. I was gutted!”
Jimmy stopped for Clive to get out and as he pulled his bag from the back of the van Clive said, “You never told me if you gave the dating agency a go. When you pick me up we can go down to the seafront for an ice cream and you can tell me all about it.” Then he slammed the door and was off.
Jimmy shook his head in disbelief of his friend then drove off to deliver his bag. He was surprised thirty minutes later when he went back to pick him up Clive was sat on the curb waiting for him. He even started pointing at his non existent watch as if he had been waiting for hours. They drove to the seafront, parked up and walked to the only shop open selling ice creams. It was mid October but quite mild and a nice day for a cornet. Clive walked up to the counter.
“Two of your largest ice creams and both with flakes please darling.” He said to the young girl serving then he stood back as she handed them over, pulling his pockets inside out to show he had no money, leaving Jimmy to pay.
“Unbelievable! Un-fucking believable!” Said Jimmy when they got out of earshot of the young girl. “You’ve got some fucking front!” He said but had to smile. They sat in the van eating the cones while Jimmy told Clive about his online dating experiences.
“So let me get this straight, you’ve been on three dates which didn’t go to well and now you’re giving up to chat to foreign birds you’re never going to meet? You’re fucking mad!”
“That’s rich coming from you!”
“I’m not mad just misunderstood.” Clive said, then just to prove or maybe disprove his point he smiled at an old couple walking past the van, lifted his hat, squashed what was left of the ice cream on his bald head then replaced the hat. The old couple looked disgusted and rushed off, Jimmy and Clive burst into laughter.
“Going back to the dates.” Jimmy said when he stopped laughing. “The first one had me mixed up with someone else. The second one was a psycho and the third one was worse than me! I really don’t need the hassle so will give the foreign bird route a go.”
“Whatever you think is best.” Clive said with his cap in his lap scrapping the ice cream into it. “You ever want to come out with me just give me a shout.” Then as he started eating the ice cream from his hat said, “Come on let’s get out of here before the old couple call the cops and get us sectioned!”
They laughed all the way back to the office.

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 11

2007-11-25T01:50:00.000-08:00

Now before he made any further contact with Corrine Jimmy had a few loose ends to tie up. First was Karen, she had said that she’d enjoyed their date which Jimmy had found it hard to believe but she obviously had as she had emailed him asking if he would like to come round to hers on Sunday for dinner. Instead of writing back saying he would rather have his teeth pulled with no anaesthetic and he wasn’t going anywhere near a Sunday dinner for ages if he could help it. He wrote back saying he had a lovely time but he didn’t think they were really compatible, hoped she had better luck in the future but he wouldn’t be seeing her again.
Next was Angie, he had never thought he would hear from her again but she had emailed him. She was a cheeky fucking bitch! She only wanted to know, as he had taken an interest in the £500 rugs, would he like to try and sell them for her. She would pay him a hansom commission! Jimmy had to hold back when he replied to her as well. Instead of the, fuck off psycho, he wanted to write her he just politely declined.
Thirdly came Lynne, she had been on her holidays and was now back trying to pick up where she had left off. Jimmy wasn’t sure if maybe he should try and pursue her as they got on well but with the last three dates still playing on his mind decided not to. He emailed her, told her he had a change of heart while she was away and was going to carry on as a single man and concentrate on his boys. She seemed happy with that.
Finally came Jo, they had no intention of meeting up so Jimmy intended on still chatting to her, but that wasn’t to be. He thought she had a wicked sense of humour but had obviously been well off the mark and one throw away comment had ended their relationship. She had been telling him how he was different to all the other guys she talked to, all they wanted to do was to get into her knickers! He replied saying he would love to get into her knickers but didn’t think they would fit! He never heard from her again.
Jimmy had mixed feelings about his current situation, a month ago he had been talking to five women having fun and now he had whittled them down to none! He wished he could have taken the relationship to another level with at least one of the ladies but it wasn’t to be, karma! He wasn’t sure he knew what karma was and if he did whether he’d believe in it, but something had to take the blame. Anyway he was now moving on to another challenge, onward and upward!
Jimmy re-read Corrine’s profile and the email she had sent him. It appeared she lived in a small town in Virginia near the North Carolina border called Axton. This was in Henry County halfway between Danville and Martinsville (they seemed keen on naming places after men) and close to the Blue Ridge Mountains. Now Steve, until recently, didn’t know much about the Blue Ridge Mountains apart from the Laurel and Hardy song of the same name but by some strange coincidence he had just read Bill Bryson’s “A walk in the woods” where Mr. Bryson and a friend endeavour to hike the length of the Appalachian Trail. This being the longest continuous footpath in the world stretching along the East Coast of the United States from Georgia to Maine part of which takes in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Jimmy felt like he had an affinity to the place already and this was obviously good karma!
Corrine had also mentioned that if Jimmy knew anything about NASCAR he would be aware of the nearby town of Martinsville. Jimmy knew nothing about NASCAR apart from the fact it was an American motor sport. Apparently, if his knowledge of the sport was more extensive he would have know that Martinsville was the home of NASCAR’s smallest track and twice a year the racing fraternity took over the small town. This was important to the economy as the area had been big in furniture making and was now in a downturn.
He went online and printed a map of the local area as his old atlas only showed major cities and then he looked at the NASCAR site and pictures of the Martinsville track. He didn’t need to do all this research but thought he would like some insight before he started chatting to her. Another thing he did was to find out about the time difference, Virginia was on East Coast Time and that was five hours behind him in England.
Corrine apparently, was a mother of two who worked fulltime as a secretary for one of the local furniture factories which had managed to keep its head above the water as others around it had sunk without trace. She was born and raised in Henry County and all her family lived close by. She shared her house with a number of animals including dogs, cats, rabbits and a grouchy parrot. She had previously had an English pen pal of whom she had lost touch and was keen to make new friends. She liked the picture Jimmy had sent her and hoped he would email her again soon. Jimmy sat down in front of the computer and started typing a reply. He wasn’t really sure where to begin, and after a couple of false starts, he decided he would wait until the weekend before replying. This would give him a few days to work out what he wanted to say. He did write a short note though thanking her for the email and saying that everything was hectic at his end at the moment and he would write back soon.

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 10

2007-11-19T03:28:00.000-08:00

He couldn’t do it this weekend, the boys were over and he needed to spend some time with them. So on Saturday after work, as the weather was nice, they helped him in the garden cutting the grass and pulling weeds then at tea time they fired up the barbeque and had burgers al fresco. After they had eaten they went inside and watched a movie, Happy Gilmore, they had watched it many times before but they loved the movie and golf was rapidly becoming their new passion. The next morning they got up late and had a huge fried breakfast to set them up for the rest of the day, and then head out to the local golf course. They weren’t good at golf, they were awful in fact, but as they took twice as many shots to get around the course than everybody else it seemed like they got their monies worth! After golf they took a drive down to the seafront and had an ice cream on the beach and threw stones into the water until it was time to drop the boys back to their mums.
On his way home Jimmy thought he would spend a couple of hours on the computer looking for ladies living abroad. When he got in, while the computer fired up, he made a pot of tea and a sandwich then settled himself down in front of the screen.
“Here we go again!”
The website Jimmy had been using to meet ladies in England was an international site and he logged on to that. While there he realised he could reactivate his profile which he did, then scrolled through the list of countries that were covered on the site. It seemed most countries were covered but he obviously needed to find ones where they spoke English. This would rule out most, if not all of Europe and it appeared, the United States of America, where most of the ladies seemed to speak Spanish!
Jimmy thought he would start in Asia as he was sure they would speak English and he was right most of them did. It made him quite embarrassed to think all these ladies were at least bi-lingual and all he could do was order two Beers in Spanish and say fuck off in French. He wasn’t impressed with the Asian ladies on two counts. Firstly a lot of them seemed to be looking for someone to take them away from their country and “marriage” came up quite a lot and secondly he didn’t find them attractive. Now he wasn’t sure at first if it mattered or not what they looked like as he was only going to be emailing them. Then after not much deliberation he decided it did! Jimmy was now convincing himself that he wasn’t shallow and it was important, even though the relationship would be conducted via electronic transfer, that he was physically and mentally attracted to prospective ladies.
Next he looked at the Antipodes as he guessed “they would look like English girls with a tan!” and on the whole he was right. There were lots who he thought fit the bill but as he was in no hurry he tried to find ones who would be interested to chat to guys overseas. There certainly weren’t an abundance of these or if there was they hadn’t deemed it prudent to tell anyone. In the end he chose four, two from New Zealand and two Australians one of which was covered in tattoos and body piercings. Although this held no physical attraction to him whatsoever he was sure she’d be very interesting to talk to. Jimmy wrote emails of similar content to all four of them. He told them a bit about his situation and that he was keen to make new friends from all over the world attached his usual photo and said he’d love to hear from them.
He then decided to give America another go. The country, being so large was split up by states and he dug out an atlas to see where they were on the map. He had been to America once before on a family holiday to Florida and he knew where that was. This is where he’d started his search and found a proliferation of Hispanic women. The further north he went the less Spanish speakers or so it seemed. He was now as far north as Virginia and thought this was a good a place as any to look.
He got through a couple of pages then came across a profile that caught his eye. A forty three year old mother of two, who was looking to make new friends and more importantly new friends from other countries. He wrote to her with a similar email as he had sent to the Antipodeans and enclosed the ever present photo, then called it a night.
When he got in from work the next day and checked his emails there was nothing from New Zealand or Australia but there was one from The States, Virginia to be exact. He had an email from Corrine.

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 9

2007-11-12T03:27:00.000-08:00

Jimmy had about an hours drive home from Angie’s house and this gave him a lot of time to think about how the date had gone. Time, this was a big problem for him as he had far too much of it. Sat at home on his own, lying in bed on his own and even at work walking around on his delivery, on his own. He had too much time to mull over things that had happened or try to imagine how different scenarios would pan out.
He started to pick the day apart thinking about what he could have done or said differently. He knew he wasn’t a people person and really wasn’t good with people he didn’t know well. Even with some, no a lot, he told himself, that he knew very well he would avoid talking to or just grunt in their general direction. Jimmy couldn’t understand the point of small talk, if you didn’t have anything to say don’t bother, who gave a fuck what the weather was doing? He knew though that if you were out on a date, especially a first date you would have to make some sort of an effort. Even though he had still found himself mouthing words and nothing coming out making himself look like a fucking goldfish and in an attempt to get at least something out mixing his words and looking like a complete arse!
There was a total transformation in him when he was able to write down what he wanted to say, so communicating by email worked very well for him. When he had a whole day to think of an answer to a question or a question he wanted to ask then write it down and be able to change it until it was how he wanted it that worked for him. He could be witty, clever and charming then but in a one on one situation with someone he barely knew he thought he came across like a moron.
He had worked this out a long time ago when he was looking for a new job. His CV wasn’t much to write home about but he could write a great covering letter. Jimmy had loads of interviews but when he got there, no matter how hard he tried, he froze. Perhaps that was his problem, he was trying too hard. There was no way he was going to be able to change now, he was forty one years old, and he guessed by now he was who he was.
He tried to put Tuesdays date out of his mind because if he thought about it too much it worried him. He had been out on two dates now and both of them had been a disaster. That in itself wouldn’t have been too bad but he had got on with them so well before they met and as soon as he opened his mouth it turned to crap.
He checked with Karen to see if she was still ok for Tuesday night, secretly hoping she’d changed her mind, she hadn’t. So he attempted to put all the negative thoughts out of his mind and tried to look forward to a nice evening. They got on extremely well; they would have a great time, famous last words?
They met at a pub on the waterfront; Jimmy had got there early and was waiting for her. He recognised her from her photo and walked towards the door to meet her.
“Hi Karen” he said in his best booming confident voice “You look nice” he continued, thinking he should start the date with a compliment, though he was thinking, you look like shit.
She looked like she had just got out of bed, her clothes were all creased and her hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed for a week. He leant forward to kiss her on the cheek and she stood there grasping her handbag to her bosom as if he was about to rip it from her grip and run off down the boardwalk and offered up a timid little “hi” in reply.
They were the only people in the place Jimmy noticed as they walked up to the bar. “What would you like to drink?” he asked her, then waited for an age for her to reply. Shit she was only choosing a drink not a hat for a fucking wedding! The barman came over and they both waited while she decided.
“Orange juice please” she half whispered “on account of the driving” she added as some sort of apology.
“Pint of lager and an orange juice” he said to the barman but really wanting a double scotch.
Jimmy paid for the drinks took a large swig out of his glass and they went and found a table. Before he sat down he took off his coat and hung it on a coat hook near the table.
“Would you like me to take your coat?” he asked Karen with a smile.
“No” she snapped far too quickly, and then added “thank you.”
She sat opposite him with her coat wrapped around her very tightly and with her handbag still grasped close to her but now it was on her lap.
“You found it ok then?” he asked for his opening gambit.
“Yes” she replied.
“How was your day?” he tried again.
“Ok” she said looking at him pretty vacantly.
“The kids?” he said hopefully.
“Fine” she said.
Now Jimmy knew he could be hard work when meeting new people and coaxing conversation out of him can be tedious, so he empathised with her but this was torture for him.
“How’s your drink?” he tried again
“Nice” was all he could get out of her. You need to use open ended questions he reminded himself if you want more than single word answers.
He tried again “what do you usually like to drink?”
“Oh, orange juice” she answered
If he had any hair he would have started pulling it out! What had happened to the chatty articulate lady he had been talking to over the last few weeks? Then he realised this is what the other dates had been thinking about him. So he took another large mouthful of beer and tried to think of something to ask her. This was difficult as the question he wanted to ask was “what the fuck am I doing here?”
“Where shall we eat?” he asked “you still want to eat don’t you?” he added with his fingers crossed under the table hoping for the negative.
She nodded at the same time saying “you choose.”
Instead of choosing the kebab house on his way home Jimmy finished his beer and said “let’s have a wander along the boardwalk and see if there’s something we fancy.” She hadn’t finished her drink but he was up pulling his coat on before she had a chance to reply.
The restaurant next door to the pub was Italian, this will do he thought. “It looks nice in here” he said with a cheeriness he wasn’t feeling “how do you fancy Italian?”
“Ok” she agreed.
“Thank fuck for that!” he mumbled under his breath, then went bright red when he realised he had said it out loud.
“Sorry?” she said looking up at him quizzically.
“Good, me too” He said hoping to get away with it.
This place was also empty; obviously Tuesdays were a slack night. The restaurant owner knew this because he hadn’t even bothered to put the heating on.
“A table for two?” the waitress perched on the counter by the door asked them as they entered the restaurant.
He was tempted to say something smart about the bus load of people with them but smiled and said “yes please.”
The waitress took them to a table and offered to take their coats, there was no way Karen was giving hers up for anyone and it was damn chilly in there so Jimmy decided to leave his on too. She gave them both a menu and asked them “would you like something to drink?”
Jimmy grimaced thinking “not again” but was pleasantly surprised when Karen said “a glass of mineral water please” and was even more surprised when she managed to choose still over sparkling!
“And a pint of lager for me please”
He wouldn’t have usually have had two pints while driving but didn’t think he could last out the evening drinking juice. But hey, maybe things were looking up or was he being lulled into a false sense of security, definitely the later. They sat there in silence looking at the menu until he asked “are you having a starter?”
“Please say no, please say no” he was thinking.
“No I don’t think so” she replied “you?”
“Yes!” he screamed triumphantly in his mind, but replied “no I don’t think I’ll bother.”
The waitress came back and asked “are you ready to order?”
“I’ll have the lasagne” Jimmy said as he handed her back the menu.
“And I’ll have the same” added Karen
“Result!” thought Jimmy, wolf it down and he could be home in an hour!
The waitress walked away and the silence enveloped them again. Karen was sat on the very front of her chair, her handbag still clutched to her lap and her mineral water held tightly with her other hand. She looked like a frightened rabbit caught in approaching headlights, she leant forwards and spoke. “I wonder where the toilets are.”
“They were by the door as we came in” Jimmy told her and watched her shuffle off.
Now was his big chance, he could make a bolt for the door now and the nightmare would be over, but he couldn’t do it. He just sat where he was, picked up his glass only to realise it was empty, “Shit!” he cursed under his breath, he couldn’t risk another. That would round the evening of nicely, arrested for drink driving!
As Karen came back from the ladies so the waitress came back with the food, Jimmy wasn’t surprised about how quickly their food arrived as he was sure he had heard the microwave “Ping!”
They sat and ate their meal in silence and the food really wasn’t very good, his was still frozen in the middle and there was no way he was sending it back! He told Karen when he had eaten enough “It’s cold in here and the foods awful so I don’t think we should bother with dessert or coffee.” She nodded in agreement and when the waitress came over and took their plates he asked for the bill.
She didn’t bring it straight over so Jimmy went to the till to pay, he had had about as much as he could possibly take. After paying Jimmy walked Karen to her car and he couldn’t believe it when she said “Thanks I had a wonderful time.”
He just smiled to hide a grimace, kissed her cheek then headed off to find his car not daring to look round in case she was still there watching him.
When he got home he went straight to bed but he couldn’t sleep. He was gutted, that was the third date and it was supposed to be third time lucky, it was far from that. He wasn’t cut out for this sort of stuff. He would much rather be on his own than feel uncomfortable, anyway he had been ignoring his boys. They had complained to their mum that he was spending more and more time on the computer and less time with them. Sammie had great pleasure in phoning him and telling him this!
Jimmy got up and switched on the computer logging on to the dating website he deleted his profile and with a feeling of satisfaction went back to bed falling asleep as his head touched the pillow.
For the next couple of days Jimmy didn’t even turn the computer on, he just glared at it as it mocked him from the corner of the room. He told himself he didn’t miss it but he did. Not the dates, he didn’t miss them at all, but the emails. He missed that little extra beat in his heart when he saw there was something in his inbox. He missed how he felt when someone had actually taken the trouble to write to him. He missed thinking about what he wanted to say and then writing back. How could he have all that and not have too meet up?
It came to him a couple of days later while he was on his delivery. He was waiting while a man signed for a parcel from Canada and thought “that’s it!” talk to a woman from abroad. Genius! If he could chat to a lady from a different country when it came time to meet it wouldn’t be possible. He could hardly pop over to Madrid, say, for Sunday lunch. That would be his project for this weekend, find a foreign girlfriend.

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 8

2007-11-05T03:21:00.000-08:00

Now he was down to four, two possible and two probable. Lynne who he’d chatted to a couple of times was off on her holidays and said she’d mail him when she got back. Jo who he was chatting to quite a bit but who was reluctant to meet up as she felt that he was either too tall or she was too short, Angie and Karen who were both keen to meet up. Jimmy wasn’t keen on meeting either of them yet after his recent experience with Jackie. He thought it prudent to find out as much as he could about both of them before they met. He used his boys as an excuse saying they were staying with him for a couple of weeks. This gave him a fortnight to pick their brains before he agreed to meet up with them.
Angie was a dental hygienist who worked in and around Farnham as a locum where she had a flat. She knew the Portsmouth area where Jimmy lived well as she had been in the navy and it was there that she learnt her trade. She hadn’t lived in Farnham long and was using the personals to make new friends. They chatted for a while and Jimmy made her laugh. She was having problems at work and he empathised with her and she liked that. She did live quite a haul away but what did that matter? They agreed to meet for lunch on the first available Sunday (Sunday lunch was getting a bit of a habit) at a pub restaurant by the river, near her home. He had worked for a while in nearby Aldershot and knew the area quite well. They were to meet in the car park so out came the chamois leather again! They had been chatting for a while now so he was hopeful the date would go a lot better than his previous effort. The big problem was he had lots of time to think about it and that was making him nervous.
Something else was making him nervous. One of the other ladies he was talking to, Karen, was keen to meet him and asked Jimmy out for lunch on the same day! He had to tell a fib and say he was lunching with his parents and they arranged to meet up on the Tuesday after at a local pub then on for a meal, he had never eaten so well! At least it would be dark and he wouldn’t have to wash the bloody car again!
Karen was very nice. She was a lecturer at a local college who had separated from her husband after she found out he was cheating on her. She had just moved into a small house with her two teenage kids and was looking to move on. As she was a teacher she would give Jimmy a topic to write about for the next day and when he had done it he would set her one. It was fun and a good way of finding out about each other, it also made him use his brain which had been vegetating ever since he left his management role and had become a postman.
On the Sunday morning of his date Jimmy set out in plenty of time as tardiness was one of his big time hates, one of his many anal traits. Probably too damn anal as he got there about an hour before they were due to meet! When you wake an hour before you have to get up that hour flies by and when you are in a boring meeting for an hour that hour drags. When you are waiting in a pub car park for an hour for a date you have never met time stands still and he swore it started going backwards!
Angie arrived about ten minutes late; Jimmy watched her drive into the car park in a brand new mini cooper which she parked virtually opposite him. He let her get out of her car and look around for him for a little while before he got out to meet her. It was like a penance for making him wait, childish, but he felt he had to make some sort of stand. As soon as she saw him she waved and gave him a huge smile, Jimmy gave a little wave and smiled coyly back. As she walked towards him Jimmy was able to check her out and was impressed with what he saw. Angie looked like one of those women who spent ages to make it look like she had “just thrown a couple of things on.” She was wearing jeans tucked into black patent leather boots, which had at least a two inch heal and a cream mohair jumper which did little to hide her ample bosom. Her chestnut coloured hair was cut to a shoulder length bob which seamed to shimmer as it was caught by the sun and she wore little if no make up. He had seen her picture and it hadn’t done her justice and now he was wishing it was a scratch and sniff photo because when she lent forward to kiss his cheek she smelt wonderful. Her perfume was a fresh smell with a hint of apple or cherries or maybe both and while he was trying to decide he hardly heard her say “Hello Jimmy”
He gave her a half vacant look.
“Jimmy, you are Jimmy right?” she smiled “I don’t usually go around car parks kissing strangers!”
“Yeah, I’m Jimmy” he said sheepishly “I was miles away!”
“Sorry I’m late, hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long?”
That brought him back to reality with a jolt. “That’s ok, don’t worry about it.” is what he said to her while inside he was thinking, Late! Fucking late! I’ve been waiting in this car park for over an hour and you’re fucking late! though after meeting her it didn’t hold the same venom as it might have.
They stood for a moment not really knowing what to do now they had met, until Angie said “Shall we go inside then?”
“Ok” Jimmy mumbled and they headed towards the entrance.
As they entered the foyer Jimmy was thinking to himself, this looks a bit up-market!
“It’s nice in here” he said as they arrived at the bar.
“Foods good as well” Angie said as she moved to let someone past with a tray of drinks so Jimmy could get served.
“What will you have?”
“Errm, a glass of the house red please. I’ll go bag a table outside while you get the drinks. Ok?”
“Yeah, ok, that’s fine.”
Turning to the barman Steve asked for “A pint of lager and a glass of house red please mate.”
“Large or small?”
“Large or small what?”
“Wine! You want a large or small one?” the barman said in a very patronising tone.
Fuck! Steve wasn’t sure what to do now, if he bought a small one he would look tight a large one he was trying to get her drunk. Bollocks!
“Large on please, buddy” he said with a cheesy grin filling his boots.
The grin wasn’t there for long when he got the bill; he didn’t get much change from a tenner, and was wishing he’d settled for the small one! It was up-market in here! As he walked across the room with the drinks Jimmy was sure he could see people nudging each other as if to say there’s the bloke who was sat in the car park for an hour!
He found Angie outside on the raised decking overlooking the river sat on a wooden bench. She was watching a family of mallards swimming towards her where someone had thrown some bread into the water.
“Lovely view” he said as he handed Angie her wine.
“Yes it is and such a lovely day” she replied taking the glass off him “Jesus! Look at the size of this, you trying to get me drunk?”
Jimmy could feel his cheeks colouring up and said nothing as he sat down next to her. She was right, it was a lovely day. It was early autumn but felt like late summer, there was a slight breeze and the sun felt warm on his back. He took a sip, he wasn’t going to be hurrying beer at these prices, then put his glass on the table. Turning to Angie he spoke, regretting it as soon as it left his lips. “You come here often?”
He couldn’t believe he had actually said that, how corny! Jimmy was sure she was holding back a laugh as she said. “I’ve been here quite a lot, sometimes I walk down. I live just on the other side of the river.” She pointed in the general direction of some houses in the distance. “I’d have walked today if I could have got my act together this morning. I’m not much of a morning person.”
Angie was very interesting and had a lot to say, so it was quite easy for Jimmy as he just had to sit back and listen. He offered the occasional nod with a “mmmm” or “yep” thrown in for good measure. It appeared she had lived in Malaysia and as she spent a lot of time there and was having a house built in Kuala Lumpur. She intended to spend part of her time in England and the rest in K L. She was able to do this as her skills were transferable and was able to work in either country and that was why she was working currently as a locum. The time seemed to fly by as he found out more about her and soon they were calling last orders on the food.
“I need to pop to the little girl’s room, want me to order something to eat as I go past?”
“Sounds good, I’ll try and find a table inside while you order.” Jimmy said getting to his feet. “You having a roast?”
“I was going to, yes.” She said grinning and rubbing her tummy. “How about you?”
“Yes please.” he said rubbing his tummy back then, feeling like a dick, Jimmy turned red again!
He found a table and sat down and tried to look cool by checking his phone for messages, there were none! When she found him she had a receipt in her hand.
“You paid for the food?”
“Yes, you pay for it when you order.”
“What do I owe you then?”
“Nothing, my treat.”
“Ok, thanks” said Jimmy feeling embarrassed for the third time. “I’ll get another drink then?”
“Please, but Jimmy, a small one this time eh?”
He didn’t have to worry about blushing this time; he was still red from the last time!
“Sure!”
All through lunch Angie chatted about her life in Malaysia and during coffee she asked him. “Would you like to come back to my flat and look at some pictures?”
“I’d love to!”
Angie drove her car and he followed in his to her flat, well no, flat was probably the wrong word to describe it, apartment would perhaps be better. When they drove into the gated complex Jimmy thought he was well out of his league and when they entered the apartment he was sure! The place was huge, all decorated out in cream, walls and carpets, the carpets had pile so deep you couldn’t see your feet. Jimmy was worried about wearing his socks in the house never mind his shoes!
“You wanna drink?”
“Tea would be nice” said Jimmy. Then wishing he had asked for coffee when she said. “I don’t usually drink tea but I think I have some Earl Grey or some Darjeeling in the cupboard somewhere.”
Jimmy plumped for Earl Grey. He was surprised as it tasted quite nice but thought there wasn’t much point getting used to it as he was unlikely to have it again. They moved from the kitchen into the lounge and sat or rather sunk into the leather sofa. Jimmy really didn’t feel comfortable and considered asking for a plastic sheet to sit on so he wouldn’t make the sofa dirty. He tried to imagine his boys in that room and came out in a cold sweat. When she started telling him about some of the rooms items and ornaments their relevance and cost he started to sweat more. Angie told him about some rugs she had around the house that she had brought home from Malaysia and wanted to import and sell on. They were very nice and very soft and very expensive, they retailed around £500 a pop. Jimmy thought, I could carpet my whole house for that! He needed to go into the bathroom and wipe himself down with a towel. When he got in there they were thick, fluffy and white so he splashed water on his face and dried it off on his shirt.
Now he had no idea how much a dental hygienist earns but surely not enough to pay for this plush apartment, a brand new car and have a house built in K L so he did something very out of character and asked her.
“Perhaps I didn’t explain my situation very well.” Angie said as she sat down on the sofa next to him. She was sat next to the arm of the sofa, her knees pulled tightly to her chest and her bare feet pointing towards him. “I’m not actually divorced even though I’ve been separated for a long time.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes, my husband is very possessive where I’m concerned and would never agree to divorce!”
“How do you feel about that?” Jimmy asked trying to hide his astonishment.
“I’m cool! He has his life and I have mine.”
“Right.” Jimmy replied unconvincingly. “Where is he now?”
He must have looked concerned as she said “Don’t worry he’s not here! He is a director of an international engineering company and spends most of his time out of the country.”
“Is this his apartment then?”
“No it’s mine.” She said hesitating before adding “But he pays the mortgage.”
“It’s your house but he’s paying for it?”
This didn’t seem odd to her and never blinked an eyelid when she said “He doesn’t come back to England often but when he does he needs somewhere to stay.”
“And he stays here?” Jimmy asked incredulously.
“Yeah, why not? It’s handy for the airport.
Jimmy was beginning to think maybe it was him but surely he wouldn’t be the only person to think this more than a little weird.
“The car his?”
“No that’s mine!” She said with a wry smile “He bought it for my birthday.”
Angie got up brought over some photo albums, sat next to him on the sofa and showed Jimmy photos of her new house being built, she sat very close and he wasn’t sure if she was coming on to him. Not wanting to look stupid he did nothing.
“What the fuck am I doing here?” Steve thought to himself hoping he hadn’t said it out loud. He was feeling really uncomfortable now and wanted to leave without appearing rude. His imagination was working over time, what did she want from him? Did she want a bit of rough or worse, was her husband watching from behind that huge mirror on the wall ready to film them having sex on the couch or the £500 rug?
After an excruciating forty five minutes looking at photos of the house during its different phases, then of her (including many in bikinis) and her husband. She said “Fancy another cuppa?”
Steve accepted another cup of Earl Grey which he drank so hot it scalded his tongue, then made his excuses and left. As they said their goodbyes they promised to meet up again knowing they never would.
Bring on Tuesday night!

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 7

2007-10-29T03:20:00.000-07:00

Now as it happened he didn’t hear anything the next day apart from an email letting him know that his profile had been accepted and welcoming him to the service. Also they wanted to know if he would like to subscribe so he could contact other members, he declined. He may have had his profile on the website (and he did because he had seen it) but he wasn’t paying anything, he had decided that from the start. Anyway he could contact women if he wanted to without shelling out any of his hard earned. He could do this by sending them his profile, that let them know he was interested and hope they would contact him. They called this a virtual kiss. How corny, even the thought of it made him want to vomit!
He didn’t bother sending his profile to anyone, he just thought he’d wait and see what happened. It didn’t take long for something to happen, when he got home from work the next day and checked his email Jimmy had a virtual kiss!
It didn’t mater that she was cuddly and average looking, or that she lived miles away from his home or that she was in a loveless marriage and was looking for a way out, or even that she smoked. She had shown an interest in Jimmy from what he had written and with no photo.
Now from the very start the alarm bells should have started ringing but, he had tunnel vision, he had had one reply, it might be the only reply and he wasn’t going to let her get away. So caution to the wind and out with his credit card to pay the subscription. Jimmy emailed her, Heather she was called, told her he was pleased to hear from her and told her a bit more about himself, also asked for a picture and told her he would get her one as soon as possible. As soon as he sent the email he was off credit card in hand to buy a scanner for his pc!
When he got in he was straight back to the pc, checking his email and there it was a reply from Heather with a photo, and, another virtual kiss!
Shit! What was he going to do now?
He liked Heathers photo, she was definitely cuddly, but she did have a pretty face and a glint in her eye. She said in her email that she would like to meet him and that did start the alarm bells, surely there was more than a hint of desperation here! Jimmy wrote to her saying surely she would rather wait till she knew what he looked like and they found out a bit more about each other. She must have thought this was the elbow as he never heard from her again.
Becky on the other hand was a different prospect completely. She was divorced, lived closer, but still a haul and was a slim fit lady who loved the gym. She was a mature student who had gone back to school to improve her job prospects and was looking for new friends. Sounded good to Jimmy even though she was studying forensic science and her hobbies were Arthurian legends, he could learn as he went along. Obviously he couldn’t or he would have learnt something from Heather!
Jimmy spent hours on the Internet learning about King Arthur and forensic science, and then sent her a sweet email and attached a photo! He had found an old photo taken a few years before in the back garden with his shirt off which after he cropped it a bit didn’t think looked too bad, then waited. He didn’t have to wait long, she wrote back saying that she loved the photo and she wanted to get to know him better. By this time he was shitting his pants and had realised that they had very little in common and did something that he regretted ever since. He didn’t reply! This was the first and only time he ever did this and was well out of order, and he was sorry, but this was a learning curve after all.
Jimmy now decided that he would search for women who he liked the look of and not wait for them to contact him. He had paid for a month’s subscription and was going to get his monies worth. So he sent out a few virtual kisses of his own and emailed a few women who looked like a good match. Before long he was talking to five different women, which was quite hard work and time consuming. He was having to print everything off that he sent or received to make sure that he didn’t mix up any of the women or tell them the same thing twice! Jimmy was enjoying it immensely and found he had a bit of a flair for it. He was quite a shy guy and if he was out at a party or sitting at a bar he would try and find a corner and hide himself so he wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. When he could hide behind his computer he turned into a different person. He had a whole day to work out what he wanted to say and he didn’t have to hold back. If someone sent him a picture and they had a great smile or a cute nose or a sexy glint in their eye, he could tell them that, something he would find it hard to do to their face. Probably one reason his marriage broke up, he could be quite romantic on the inside but found it hard to show it on the outside.
It was about this time that he got introduced to the world of instant messaging which was a bit of a shock. He was happily typing an email when a message popped up on the screen saying “Hi”. He eventually worked out how to reply and did so, not knowing who he was talking to! Jimmy had to ask! It was a lady he had just started talking to and had recently given his email address to, Jackie. This moved things up a level as far as he was concerned as he had to think on his feet. He still had the security of being able to hide behind his computer screen but instead of having a whole day to think of what he was going to say he had to be spontaneous.
Jackie was good looking, she had her hair cut short and bleached blonde which suited her, and was funny and they got on well. The I M was fun and he took to it quickly but wasn’t to keen on getting everyone on there, man that would be a disaster! He worked out how to appear offline when he was online and that way he could talk to whoever he wanted to without offending anyone. He still emailed the others daily but spoke more regularly to Jackie. They were getting on well and had even exchanged mobile numbers. She had three boys who were into the same things as his boys and they stayed with their dad the same weekend Jimmy’s boys were with their mum. This was to be his downfall.
They had only been talking for about a week when on a Sunday morning Jackie popped up on his screen trying to find out what he was doing for dinner. It took him a while to realise she wanted him to ask her out for lunch as we were both sat at home alone. He knew this as she had told him after he picked up the courage that if he hadn’t asked her then she was going to have to ask him! They arranged to meet at a local tourist area which was about halfway between both their homes and have a wander around and choose somewhere to eat.
They logged off shortly after and then the panic set in. Jimmy was going on a date for the first time in over fifteen years and basically a blind date at that! He knew he only had one chance to make a first impression, he had two hours, what would he do first? He washed his car! He had an old scruffy motor but thought it would be important for it to be clean, male logic? Then he had a bath dressed casually and made sure to spray lots of deodorant as he was sure he would sweat plenty! He left early and was there in plenty of time so went and checked out the restaurants, then he got a text message from Jackie saying she was stuck in traffic and was going to be late. This gave him plenty of time to find somewhere to eat and try and relax.
Jimmy had a quick look around the restaurants then went back to the cinema where they had agreed to meet. It was a nice day so he took of his jumper and sat on the steps in front of the cinema in the sunshine waiting for Jackie to show. She was only a few minutes late in the end and when she arrived he could tell she had made a real effort which made him feel under dressed. She looked as good as she did in her photo but was quite a bit larger than he expected. Jimmy was sure it didn’t say cuddly on her profile!
As she walked towards him she looked a bit confused as if she was there to meet someone else. Perhaps a bit like him she hadn’t got exactly what she was expecting. Jimmy got up to meet her as she walked towards him, but he had a problem, what did he do now? Shake her hand, kiss her or what? He sort of tried the first two together and got the, or what! He half of stuck out his hand and at the same time lent forward puckering up, he looked a bit like he was doing a weird robotic dance. Jackie just stood in front of him with a look of astonishment and didn’t kiss him or shake his hand. Oh shit! he thought to himself.
“You Jimmy?” Jackie said with a frown.
“Yes, and you must be Jackie” he replied feeling his cheeks glow red and added “Nice to meet you.”
“Yeah, hi, I’m Jackie. Wasn’t sure it was you as you look, errrrm, different.”
“Different? How?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way but, older!”
Jimmy turned a darker red colour and managed to stammer out “Sssooorry!”
“Well we’re here now we might as well get something to eat.”
This is going well, Jimmy thought to himself wishing he could disappear into thin air.
“There’s a carvery just around the corner doing Sunday roast, you fancy that?” Jimmy said trying to sound confident and in control but sounding more like a timid mouse.
“Sounds good to me.” Jackie replied
They walked the short distance to the carvery in silence. When they got there they were shown to a table. They were lucky to get one as the place was packed to the rafters, Jimmy mentioned as much and got a grunt in reply.
“Just take a plate and help yourself.” The waiter said.
Jackie got up first and Jimmy followed, he had an embarrassing experience at a carvery before which he didn’t want to repeat. There had been a stack of what he thought were wooden plates, nice touch, which he started loading with vegetables. Even when the guy carving the meat said “You sure you don’t want a plate instead of a tray, the gravy will run on the floor!” he still didn’t twig. He had to be given a plate which had lead to uproar from the queue behind him.
Jimmy watched carefully as she lent forward to pick up a china plate and he followed suit. He must have been watching too carefully because when he stood upright he smashed his head on a rather large ornamental light fitting.
“Fuck off!” He shouted loudly then wishing he hadn’t as the whole place went silent and everybody turned to look! The light was still shaking but hadn’t broken as Jimmy rubbed his head.
Jackie turned to him and with a look of disgust said. “What did you do that for?”
“You think I did it on purpose?”
“Everybody looked at us!”
“Sorry!” Jimmy said unable to believe his ears. “It was an accident.”
They got their food and hardly spoke through the meal, for whatever reason it was obvious Jackie didn’t want to be there. What the fuck am I doing here? Jimmy thought to himself. When the bill came Jimmy was surprised Jackie insisted that they go Dutch, “As I like to pay my own way.” He walked her back to her car and they said their goodbyes. He hoped and prayed that if he went out on other dates they would go better than that! Well there was no way they could be worse.
Shortly after Jackie had the good grace to let Jimmy know that he wasn’t what she was looking for and wishing him good luck. Jimmy replied with much of the same, he could have been disheartened but he was still chatting to four other women so he got straight back on the trail.
His one regret, she didn’t even get to see his clean car!

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 6

2007-10-21T02:53:00.000-07:00

On his way home he thought about Clive’s’ suggestion of online dating but there was no way he was going to do that. That was for sad lonely people, granted he was a bit lonely but he wasn’t sad and anyway he’d have to pay, paying for a date that was like, like prostitution!
Whatever his feelings on the subject he still logged on when he got home and had a look. He “googled” dating agency and got 2,500,000 results, must be big business he thought to himself. If you couldn’t find your perfect partner on here they probably weren’t out there he surmised after he had looked at a few of the sites. There were websites for all tastes and fantasies some of which seemed to Jimmy quite unsavory. There were many advertising Russian or Bulgarian wives with just as many offering advice on Russian or Bulgarian dating scams, he’d have to choose carefully, that was if he was if he was taking this seriously, which he wasn’t! One which did catch his eye and make him chuckle was the, marry an ugly millionaire online dating agency; he’d have to put that in his favorites.
When he found a few sites which covered England and actually had a section for men who were looking for women, he settled on one that was easy to navigate and seemed quite popular. He was able to be quite specific on the type of lady he was looking for and in what area. He made a general search and found hundreds of pages of ladies in his area looking for men, he was amazed! Lots of them had pictures and many of them looked quite nice; amazed again. He still wasn’t convinced and by now was feeling tired and as he had work in the morning, headed off to bed.
He hardly gave it a thought over the next few days. It was busy at work and he was doing lots of taxi driving, what with that, hanging with the boys and sleeping, he didn’t have time for anything else. Not until the weekend. That weekend the boys were staying with their mother and by Sunday Jimmy was at a loose end and found himself gravitating back to that dating site.
This time he did a more specific search looking for someone living nearby who was his age, a non smoker who had, or liked, children. There were 18 pages of them! He read some of the profiles and was sure that all these women couldn’t be telling the truth, and if the men they were looking for actually existed he would be very surprised and even if they did exist he was sure they wouldn’t be advertising their wares on here.
There seemed to be some sort of unwritten law that you could exaggerate the truth or bend it a little. He noticed that no one was fat, they were either cuddly or ample and no one was ugly, they were average or not good looking. It made him laugh; he couldn’t imagine someone saying “look at that average ample bastard!” He guessed honesty might not be the best policy, though you were likely to get caught out in the long run. He supposed that people thought if they got as far as meeting and they actually got on it wouldn’t really matter what they put in their profile. He also thought that writing; shy, couch potato looking for a shag might not get many replies!
Another thing that caught his eye was that so many of the profiles looked similar. Everybody seemed to be looking for the same thing and if everything that they put on their profiles was true every evening Blockbuster and Threshers would be packed to the rafters with couples getting ready for their romantic night curled up in front of a DVD sipping wine. Then at the weekends, you wouldn’t be able to get close to a country pub due to all the loving couples who would have packed out the place, never mind take a walk in the country or along the beach. Perhaps he was just an old cynic!
Something he was really taken by was some of the names that were used on the profiles. Some women were obviously not worried about getting a date if they were calling themselves scruffy-fluffy-bunny. Or weren’t worried about what sort of date they got if they called themselves number-one-easy-lay. There were loads of great ones that they had obviously taken a lot of time and trouble over thinking up but most of them just used their first name with a number after it like Jane1245, 1245 because 1244 women had got there before her.
He had a spare hour so he decided, just for a bit of fun he would fill in a profile. First came the name, he let them chose it for him and he became Jimmy 1776. Next came the photo or didn’t as the case was. He had no way at that time to download a picture to his computer, no scanner or digital camera, that was his excuse, and he was sticking to it. Anyway he guessed that some women wouldn’t contact him if they saw what he looked like but they might if they didn’t. Crazy logic but it worked for Jimmy. Another thing about not having a photo was no one he knew would know it was him as he had no intention of telling a soul if he happened to go through with this.
Then came the multiple choice description; he was six foot three with short dark hair which was starting to grey a bit. Eyes, yes he had eyes but what colour were they? He studied them in the mirror, blue or green? They were definitely bloodshot, he plumped for grey! He didn’t think he was handsome and muscular or ugly and fat so he became Mr. Average, average weight and average looks. Hobbies and interests was easy too. They give you a list, you mark them off. After he found watching sports and television and films Jimmy thought he better add a few more to make him seem a bit more interesting although he thought flower arranging and paper folding may be going a bit too far.
Now came the hard part where he had to write a description of himself and describe what he was looking for in a lady. Jimmy had struggled here so he looked at what women wanted and gave it to them. He developed from a shy couch potato with no real interests into an outgoing active guy with plenty of interests. He wasn’t really sure what he was looking for in a partner either but needed to find someone who had kids or if not at least liked them, had a sense of humour (she’d have to), and didn’t smoke. So he used that, and then, to accentuate his sensitive side he said he wouldn’t rush into any relationship as he had been hurt in the past. After plenty of trial and error he got this all down in some sort of order he was quite pleased with.
Now he wasn’t sure what to do next, he had his profile down and, even if he said so himself thought it looked quite good. He had had fun and if he was that way inclined may have even contacted himself if he had read it. What harm could it do if he posted it on the site? It wouldn’t cost him anything; he would only have to pay if he wanted to contact someone (had he remembered to put tight on his profile?). So after taking a deep breath he clicked on send and sat back to wait for the offers to come in.

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 5

2007-10-14T01:26:00.000-07:00

They met up at a local pub; Clive was already at the bar halfway through a pint of ale when Jimmy arrived.
“Hey Jimbo” he said as he looked around “what’s this all about and why all the fucking secrecy it’s been driving me crazy all day!”
“You go find a table, I’ll get the beers in and then I’ll spill the beans, pint?”
Clive raised his eyebrows and was about to speak when Jimmy said “Another couple of minutes isn’t going to hurt.” He got a scowl back but Clive went to get a table shouting over his shoulder “Yeah, a pint and crisps or nuts!”
Jimmy brought over the drinks with a bag of cheese and onion crisps and a bag of dry roasted peanuts clamped firmly between his teeth. He put the glasses on the table and tossed the bags at Clive with a flick of his neck.
“There you go you greedy bastard” he said with a grin.
“Cheese and onion?” he replied with a look of disgust.
“I wanted you to get at least one of your five a day vegetables!” chuckled Jimmy.
“Ok smart arse, cut the crap, what’s going on?”
“Sammie’s moved out.”
“What?”
“Left, gone, fucked off!”
“With the boys?”
“Yep”
“When?”
“Ages ago.”
Jimmy could feel a lump in his throat and was struggling to hold his act together then Clive said. “Thank fuck for that! You had me worried for a while.”
Jimmy glared at him “WHAT!”
“Well.” said Clive grinning “I had a short list of three things you wanted to talk to me about. First, you are a cross dresser and your missus came home early and caught you wearing her clothes. Second, you got caught flashing old ladies on the ferry and third the police found out it was you stalking Cliff!”
In spite of himself Jimmy burst out laughing. “You wanker! Thanks a lot! And why, for fucks sake do all our conversations always end up with Cliff Richard?”
“Because he’s a legend!”
“Yeah, I guess. Anyway I only phoned him twice and the second time was to tell him I had returned the underwear I stole from his laundry!”
Now it was Clive’s turn to break into laughter. “Sorry man.” he said “It looked like you were losing it there and I just wanted to make you laugh.
“I was and you did, thanks I needed that!”
“My pleasure.” said Clive still grinning. “Ok spill the beans.”
Jimmy told him how Sammie had left, eventually taking the boys and how he had moved in on his own and was now starting to feel lonely.
“You guys getting divorced?” Clive said with a mouthful of nuts which he sprayed liberally over the table.
“Nice one piggy!” said Jimmy with a look of disgust “I said we could wait two years and dissolve the marriage but she wants it done as soon as!”
“Got a solicitor?”
“No.” said Jimmy with a frown. “Didn’t think I’d need one, we are going to work things out amicably.”
“Listen, you are going to need one and buddy I hope you’ve got a bit tucked away because they aint cheap! It doesn’t matter how amicable it is now, you just need one little thing to kick off and next thing you’re left with nothing, trust me I know! I’ll give you the name of mine, she’ll look after you.”
Jimmy went to the toilet and returned to find Clive eating the peanuts he had previously spat over the table.
“Gross!”
“My ex is bleeding me dry and a man’s got to eat.” He said hiding behind his middle finger. “Hey, if you’re lonely why don’t you just go out and meet a new lady? I know you’re not an oil painting but there must be some women out there that like that look.”
“You sure know how to make a bloke feel good about himself.” Jimmy said with a wry smile. “There is no way I could come to a place like this and chat up a complete stranger.”
“Why not? Lets give it a go now?”
“You are joking, right?”
“No! How ‘bout that bird at the bar?”
There were two people at the bar one of whom was definitely a man; the other looked like neither man nor woman. Jimmy had seen her/him come into the pub and had trouble not staring. He had thought, hair by wigs r us, make up by coco the clown! She looked a bit like a grizzly bear in a dress and it was amazing to see her shuffle to the bar with her knuckles scrapping across the floor. Jimmy was sure she had hairy palms! She was sat at the bar, her elbows on the counter and her head resting on her hands. She was wearing a flimsy pink and white gingham frock which, as she leant forward, had slipped down to reveal a huge hump at the top of her spine!
“Her!” he asked incredulously.
“Why not?” grinned Clive as he got up from his chair picking up the empty glasses in one hand. “Another?”
As he got to the bar he turned to Jimmy, winked and slapped Mrs Bear hard on the backside. The slap reverberated around the pub and Jimmy was out of his chair like a rocket expecting fireworks. He wasn’t up as fast as Mrs Bear who now had a face like thunder until she saw who did it then said, sounding a lot like a talking bear. “Hi Clive.”
Jimmy sat back in his chair gently shaking his head from side to side not believing what he had just seen. When Clive came back from the bar he only had one drink.
“Where’s yours?” Jimmy asked.
“Not having one. Ginger over there is my neighbour, she’s going to give me lift home, might be a nightcap in it as well, if I’m lucky!” He winked.
“You wouldn’t?”
“Wait till you’ve been single as long as me!” then leaning across the table Clive said. “If you can’t go out and meet women why don’t you try an online dating agency?”
“That stuffs for losers, isn’t it?”
“You’d be surprised. Have a look, see what you think, you might find you like it, wish me luck.”
“You’re going to need it.” Jimmy said from behind a smile. “And Clive, thanks!”
Clive waved from the door. “No worries man, no worries!”
After Clive left Jimmy had a large pull on his beer, decided he wasn’t going to sit there on his own then left for home.

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 4

2007-10-08T00:11:00.000-07:00

The house sold quickly which was a shame as Jimmy was getting used to living there on his own with the boys and it hurt him badly when they moved in with their mum. He rented a flat near to their old house and the boys still came to him after school, Sammie picked them up when she finished work, and they stayed with him every other weekend. She had moved in with her new manager, a whirlwind romance or was he the person she was “just talking too”, whatever it seemed that maybe it was in her genes to shag the boss.
Her new love interest or Fat Fuck as Jimmy liked to call him was obviously exerting an influence over Sammie as she now decided she couldn’t wait two years and wanted a divorce straight away. Also, where they had agreed on a monthly amount he would pay her towards the upkeep of the boys this was no longer enough. She had been in touch with the Child Support Agency and they were assessing his income. He was finding it hard enough to make ends meet as it was so took on a taxi driving job. He worked weekend nights every other week when the boys were with their mum and any night in the week when he was needed. This work was all cash in hand so wouldn’t affect his CSA payment, as long as he could keep it hidden, he earned forty percent of the nights takings and any tips were his. This helped to keep his head above the water but made him even more tired!
Jimmy fell into a routine of working, sleeping and spending time with the boys. He had no time for anything else and even if he did he couldn’t afford to do it. Living on his own was great, he could do what he wanted, eat what he wanted, watch what he wanted, wear what he wanted and all whenever he wanted! But was he happy?
He thought about this a lot as he pounded the streets on his delivery and he wasn’t really sure. He didn’t miss Sammie he was certain of that, but he did miss someone to talk to. He missed having someone to moan at and dissect the day, he had the boys, but that wasn’t the same as adult conversation. The house was quiet and empty when the boys weren’t there; he had taken to putting the television or radio on as company. He came to the conclusion that maybe he wasn’t unhappy but would be happier if he wasn’t as lonely.
What could he do about that, meet someone? That made him laugh, even if he had any time to meet someone how was he going to do it. Hang around in bars or nightclubs then chat to complete strangers? That was never going to happen! People made him uncomfortable; men were bad enough but women, Christ, they weren’t even from the same species!
He’d had three experiences in the past with women, the first with a girl when he was in his teens, it hadn’t ended quite as he would have liked. She was very pretty with all the curves in the right places and egged on by his friends asked her out. He was pleased but very surprised when she said yes. They went for a walk in the country and ended up in a secluded spot. They kissed for a while then he put his hand up her jumper an under her bra. She stopped kissing him and asked him “if he only wanted to go out with her to feel her tits?” He went bright red and told her “of course not” when he really meant “of course”. He never saw her again as he was so embarrassed by the whole affair and it made him realise how immature he was and how he knew nothing about how to behave with girls.
Jimmy didn’t manage to 'lose' his virginity until he was in his early twenties and this was his second encounter with a woman, another he would rather forget. He met her at a works party, a friend of a friend, and had taken her home after. They ended up having sex in the car with the seats down in the middle of a council estate car park. Two things stuck in his mind after that night, laying on his back in the car straddled by this “lady” who was pulling on her nipples, pouting and asking him “have you cum yet?” and she wore pink plastic frying pan earrings with a fried egg in the middle. Jimmy never remembered her name but found one of the earrings a couple of days later and kept it for prosperity.
The third was with Sammie, now he was past forty and was hardly a ladies man! Shit, he wasn’t even sure if he would remember how to kiss a lady. Kissing Sammie had become an uncomfortable fumble and they had just stopped doing it, he was sure anyway as soon as he had turned his back she would try and rub it off like a little kid getting a sloppy wet kiss from an annoying aunt!
How he was going to meet someone new if he never went anywhere apart from work and shopping. Work was definitely not an option! There were only a handful of women who worked in his office and they fell into two distinct groups. The first group were women who were married or attached to other postmen and they were definitely out of bounds. The second group were women who either looked like or acted like men and they held no appeal to Jimmy at all. There was actually another sub group, which contained a woman who only liked other women and she obviously wasn’t an option. Another good reason for not dating someone at work was he knew how the women were treated, talked to and, were talked about. He didn’t think that was acceptable at all and wasn’t sure he cope with it.
So that left shopping. All he had to do was buy lots of single portion cuisine and walk around the supermarket next to single looking women casually tossing the packets into the shopping trolley. If he could do it with an air of, “look at me ladies I’m single come and get me” all the better. And even if he couldn’t pull wandering around the shop at least he could try the same thing with the checkout operator. He was sure he had read they had special nights for this but had never seen any signs up anywhere. This, he realised was never going to work for him though when he had a vision of some lovely looking lady peering into his trolley of meals for one and saying “you’re single aren’t you?” and him replying coyly “yes, how did you know?” and her saying “because you’re fucking ugly!”
There was something else that he really must address before he set out his stall at the singles market and that was he was in reality single! He hadn’t told anyone he had separated from his wife, he hadn’t told anyone because he was embarrassed. When his sister’s marriage had fizzled out within a year he had scoffed, not to her, but to Sammie. When other people he knew had separated and moved on, he had used his marriage as a model for the ideal. When he had gone into Burger King or McDonalds on a Saturday afternoon and seen all the tables full of single dads getting their “quality time” but with no idea how to spend it, he felt sorry for them. Now he had joined their ranks and it made him very uncomfortable.
Jimmy didn’t really have any friends, not that he had many before he was married, but any he did have then he hadn’t kept in contact with. He had a bit of banter with some of the blokes at work, but that was work, he had never been out with any of them socially. Not for the want of them trying, why the hell would he want to go out at night with people he saw at work all day? Anyway most of them were annoying and childish so he always declined and they stopped asking him!
There was one guy there he was quite close to, Clive. Clive was a similar age to Jimmy and they were both single after failed marriages, in fact if Jimmy thought about it they had quite a bit in common. He baulked at the thought, him and Clive were not similar! Clive was crass, loud, smelly, unreliable and took drugs for fucks sake! They were complete opposites, black and white, chalk and cheese, but, they got on! Maybe that was why they got on, opposites attract and all that?
Jimmy needed someone to talk to, he wasn’t really sure Clive was that someone but The Samaritans had started blocking his calls and he needed some advice, so he asked Clive out for a beer. Not that he thought going out for a beer with Clive was a good idea but it was better than the nosey bastards at work prying into his business.
Clive was very surprised when Jimmy asked him “If he wanted to go out for a beer some time?”
They arranged to go out that night as Clive couldn’t stand the suspense and Jimmy wasn’t going to talk about it while he was at work.

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 3

2007-10-01T10:39:00.000-07:00

The boys had been upset obviously that she was leaving, but their mum had promised to see them everyday and that seemed to mollify them a bit. Jimmy had spoken to her briefly the day after she had left and they had sorted out the loose ends. They arranged for her to come to the house every morning and get the boys up and off to school until she found somewhere to live and then they would move in with her. They would put the house up for sale and she would carry on paying half the mortgage until it was sold and because it was all so amicable they wouldn’t rush into divorce they would just wait until they had been separated for two years and have the marriage annulled, easy!
If Jimmy was honest his life hardly changed in those first few weeks. He was a postman and got up for work at 4.30am everyday so never saw the boys in the morning and was still at home waiting for them when they got in from school. He usually cooked them tea then fell asleep on the sofa while they watched television or played computer games, and that didn’t change. The only real change they had noticed was the incessant moaning had been replaced by post-it notes. The post-it notes were stuck all over the house by military precision, or so it seemed, every morning when Sammie came to wake the boys. They were there to inform him what he should be doing, what he shouldn’t be doing and how badly he was performing on anything he was actually doing. One post-it actually informed him to “read the post-it notes!”
He was sure it had not always been like this and they must have been happy once. They had met a lifetime ago when he worked for one of the major banks and was a manager in a call centre; she had been a team leader working under him. They met a few times out of work and then progressed to her working under him at home as well! It was frowned upon having a relationship at work with one of your team members so they had to do it all secretly and that was fun. They had nearly got caught a couple of times and that seemed to spice up the relationship as well. They weren’t able to “come out” until Sammie took a promotion in a different department but by then they were sure their relationship was common knowledge anyway.
They had only been living together three or four months when Sammie fell pregnant. Jimmy did the right thing and proposed when they found out about forthcoming addition and had a shotgun wedding shortly after. She’d given up work to look after George with the intention of going back when he started school then Billy came along and work was put on the back burner a little longer.
They couldn’t afford to live on one wage, they had a huge mortgage, and the cost of childcare made it prohibitive for Sammie to go back to work full-time, so she got a part-time job working evenings when Jimmy was home to look after the boys. She didn’t like going out when he got in, they saw less and less of each other and their relationship became strained.
She was very career minded and was keen to pick up where she left off before George was born. He on the other hand hated his job and would be more than happy to do something less stressful and demanding. So they swapped roles, Sammie took on a full-time job with the bank earning the main wage, she was able to drop the boys at school on the way to work and Jimmy got a job as a postman so he could be home to get the boys from school.
Jimmy loved life as a postman, he may have halved his salary overnight but he now had a new found freedom, once he got over the shock of having to get up at 4.30 every morning and the realization that the job was harder than he thought. He no longer had to take the stress and strain of work home with him and spend all night worrying about the day ahead. The preconception that he would turn up in the morning be handed a bag of mail and sent out on his way to chat with his customers whilst strolling round drinking vats of tea was soon blown out of the water. He had to sort mail when he arrived at work then prep his own delivery and finally cycle out to his round with sometimes up to eight bags of mail then back for a second delivery. It was all a far cry from his job in the bank, a job he sort of fell into.
He’d been in the right place at the right time really, as he had no academic qualities of note. Starting off as a data entry clerk he moved up the ranks mainly due to hard work and commitment rounded of with a good idea here and there. That was all he was really a hard worker not a manager, he had far too much empathy for the staff and unlike his employer, thought they should be treated how he would like to be treated. Also he had a problem communicating with people, not just talking to them but he felt somehow uncomfortable around them especially if he didn’t know them. This made him seem aloof and distant and perhaps sometimes, rude.
First he put it down to being shy but somehow thought it must go deeper than that as a lot of people he had known for a long time made him feel uncomfortable when he was around them. He had spent a lot of his free time researching on the internet and was now trying to convince himself he wasn’t an undiagnosed autistic. Not that he was very bright or could commit things to memory that he could recount at will or that he had to have things set up in orderly rows. Well maybe the orderly rows thing but everybody liked their DVD’s tidy and in order, didn’t they? Anyway he read that gay men liked things clean and tidy so did that mean he was gay? He had to admit that he had once been sexually aroused watching a program on Thai lady boys and had been very embarrassed when he realized they weren’t ladies! He had spent the following couple of weeks getting drunk, farting, burping and commenting on the size of ladies breasts to prove how much of a mans man he was. This ended abruptly when a rather large bloke threatened to break his neck if he commented on his wife’s tits again.
He was sure he wasn’t autistic but, although he would never admit it to anyone else or very rarely to himself, he could be somewhere further down the spectrum, Aspergers syndrome possibly. He had done a lot of online quizzes to try and find out if he had the condition, and then re-done them to come up with the answer he wanted to hear!
This would explain a lot but what good would it do to have it clinically diagnosed at this stage in his life? If he was an Aspie, he liked that, Aspie was a good way to describe how he felt some days, it wouldn’t change anything. Apart from maybe he would have something to blame his behavior on and that might be detrimental. He had spent all his life trying to conform and if he had an excuse not to he may not and that would make life difficult for him and anyone close to him.
So being a postman was good for him, he spent large chunks of the day on his own in his own little world. He wished that he had made this career move years ago. The only drawback was now he saw even less of Sammie. He was gone before she got up in the morning and he was always early to bed or if he stayed up, asleep on the sofa. Their relationship disintegrated beyond repair.

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 2

2007-09-24T05:45:00.000-07:00

Where exactly was the beginning? He wasn’t really sure! If he was being a smart arse he could say when he was born and that he had fucked up ever since, but that was just puerile nonsense. There were a number of defining moments in his life; when his mum died, when he realized his dad was not really his father, his wedding, the birth of his boys, all of these were a beginning to something but not to this mess. If he was pushed he would have to say it all started fourteen months ago on New Years day, the day his wife of sixteen years had up and left him. Yes, he decided that was where all this started.
Jimmy Gallagher was forty one years old when he suddenly found himself single again. The last few years of their marriage had been a sham, married in name only and just staying together “for the sake of the kids”, neither of them had said as much but they both knew it. The spark had long since died and the love had gone, they didn’t even have the sex to fall back on. He could count on one finger the amount of times they had done it in the last year, (“Done it!” charming surely he meant love making, no he decided done it was right!) he’d given up trying. It had gone from “Oh ok if you must!” to “Hurry up then I’m at a good bit in my book!” to “Alright then but if I fall asleep make sure you pull my nightie down and cover me up!” Any nightly emissions after that were going to have to be down to his imagination, a tub of hand cream and a box of tissues.
It’s easy to get into a rut he decided, getting out of it was the hard part. Jimmy wasn’t going to do anything to rock the boat so she, her, his wife, cheating bitch, Sammie, perm any one from three, had taken the initiative. He shouldn’t have been surprised when he walked into the bedroom and she was packing a suitcase but he was. The writing had been on the wall for ages, all the working late and the increasing amount of team building nights, nights out, held in smoke free pubs if the smell or lack of it on her clothes had anything to go by. All the secretive emails and the instant messaging that she covered up as he walked by. And if that wasn’t enough, the previous night at the family party when everyone was hugging and kissing to see in the New Year she was in the corner texting someone on her mobile.
“Going somewhere?” He asked as if she was popping down to the shops.
“Yeah.” She replied without looking up as she tucked a copy of the latest John Grisham into the pouch at the side of the case.
“Isn’t that mine?” he asked not sure what to say.
She pulled it back out of the case and launched it at him with both hands. It flew past his head and knocked the lamp of the bedside table with a crash.
“Fucking have it then!” She screamed at him with a venom he never knew she possessed. “I’m leaving, leaving you and all you’re worried about is whether I take your fucking paperback! For fucks sake, what’s the matter with you?”
“Have you been seeing someone? Another man, you know having an affair?” Jimmy said calmly, she didn’t answer.
“If you’re leaving you could at least have the decency to tell me.” He said without changing the tone of his voice.
“Sammie?”
She was looking back at the suitcase now, forcing the lid to shut and trying to zip it up at the same time, he could see her going red. She was crap at lying, she always went red and the vein between her eyebrows pulsed, he could see that too!
“I talked to someone; I needed to talk to someone! That was it, just talking, no affair just talking.”
He knew she was lying but he didn’t push it, what would be the point, another broken lamp?
“Where are you going to stay?”
“Jules said I could stay with her for a bit.” Sammie said.
She had managed to zip up the suitcase now and had pulled it up onto its side. Jules, he should have guessed, the interfering bitch! She couldn’t get her marriage to work so she stuck her nose into everybody else’s.
“What about the boys?” Jimmy asked. They had two sons, George (15) and Billy (13) who were downstairs beating the crap out of each other on some mortal combat game on the playstation.
“What about them?”
“Are you taking them with you?”
“No, she’s only got one spare room!” she snapped making a face at him as if he was simple.
“Ok, so have you told them that you’re leaving?”
“Err, no.”
“Right, lets get this straight. You are moving out and aren’t taking the boys, you’ve packed and are ready to go and you haven’t even told them. How am I supposed to get them up in the morning for school when I’m at work? How am I going to keep this house going on one wage? Why are you in such a fucking rush to leave? Jimmy’s voice was getting louder with each question as his temper grew.
“This is why! You don’t give a shit about me all you care about is money and yourself!”
Great, thought Jimmy, the best form of defence being attack and all that. What was the point in trying to argue with her, she had obviously made her mind up.
“If you are going go, I don’t want you here if you don’t want to be, but talk to the boys first. We’ll talk about childcare arrangements when we are a little calmer.
So that was it, she was gone and Jimmy was left to fend for himself and look after the boys, BRILLIANT!

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Chapter 1

2007-09-17T02:06:00.000-07:00

"FUCK!”
The shout made him jump! He didn’t realise it came from his own mouth at first and that freaked him out. Not to the scale that he had been freaked out over the last few hours but his nerves were shot to pieces now and any little thing was likely to set him off.
He glanced down at the clock on the dashboard and the green neon showed it was 21.33 the same time as when he had looked a few seconds before. He was driving south on the 220 through Virginia close to the North Carolina border in his rental. It was a Dodge Neon which he had picked up from Charlotte airport a week earlier. He liked it because it was inconspicuous and he was trying to keep it that way. He was driving just below the speed limit to avoid attracting any attention. This he was finding, was harder than it looked. The more he concentrated on his driving the more he seemed to overcompensate for everything which in turn made him think everybody was watching him.
“Relax” he was telling himself just as another set of flashing blue lights raced towards him in the distance. He checked his speed again and held so tightly onto the steering wheel his knuckles went white! He tried to sink his six foot three frame down into the seat and at the same time will the car to drive on past him. It was moving pretty damn fast and even though he was telling himself not to look he couldn’t quite help it. As it went past him on the opposite side of the road he chanced a look. It was a black and grey State Police car with TROOPER emblazoned on the front wing. The “Trooper” had his full attention on the road and didn’t even glance in his direction. As he watched the flashing lights fade into the distance in his rear view mirror he noticed that his face was covered in specks of dried blood.
Actually, there was blood everywhere! On his tee-shirt and on his jeans and even on his brand new white trainers. It was also on his arms and hands and he had managed to smear blood onto everything he had touched in the car. The thought of the blood, somebody else’s blood, made him nauseous. He remembered there were some wet wipes in the glove box and lent over to grab them. As he did he was overcome by the nausea and threw up on the passenger seat!
“Fucking wonderful, Shit, Fuck, Shit!”
There was an intersection coming up and he thought it would be prudent to get off the main road and find somewhere quiet to clean up the mess. He turned off onto the 87 and headed towards a town by the name of Eden. Eden, that sounded like a great place to live, though there seemed to be a strange irony that the name sort of summed up his current situation. He had entered the garden and while knowing damn well he shouldn’t have, took a bite out of the juicy fruit and then had been well and truly bitten by the snake in the grass! Jesus! He thought to himself, I must be scared if I’m thinking in metaphors.
The road was a single carriageway with no streetlights, although it was dark now it was well illuminated by a very low, nearly full moon which seemed to fill a clear sky apart from the liberal peppering of brightly shining stars. He had been amazed over the last week on how different the sky looked at night from the middle of the country as opposed to the tainted look he usually got from the city. He didn’t have time to revel in the cosmos now he needed to concentrate on the road. Even though it hadn’t snowed for a couple of days there was a lot of snow on the verge and the last thing he wanted was to get stuck out here.
He kept his eyes peeled for an appropriate place to stop and after about a mile down the road he promptly drove past it! He stopped, backed up the car to a shingle track that cut its way through a heavily wooded copse then got out the car and checked that once he was off the blacktop he would be able to get back on it again. The track looked fine and he reversed up it far enough to be invisible from the road and then he cut the engine and turned off the lights. The moon was now obscured by the overhanging trees and he sat there for a moment in the dark, held his head in his hands and started to cry.
He didn’t have time for self-pity! He had to get himself cleaned up and away as fast as he could, or did he? Maybe he should turn around and face up to his responsibilities! Whatever he decided he needed to get himself cleaned up and the smell of vomit was making him feel sick again. He got out of the car into the cold night air, it was well below freezing now but he didn’t feel at all cold, and took off his tee-shirt. He walked around to the passenger side, opened the door and used the shirt to clean the sick off the chair. He then popped open the boot and rummaged through his travel bag until he found a large towel, white, perhaps not the best colour, and a half drunk bottle of mineral water. From the light inside the boot he used the towel and water to wash the blood from his face, arms and hands. When he thought he had done a reasonable job he stripped out of his Nikes and jeans and wrapped all the clothes and shoes in the towel, which he put back into the boot. Now he was standing in his boxers on a gravel track in a foreign country in sub zero temperatures and his little mantra came back to him. “What the fuck am I doing here?”
He put on a clean pair of jeans from his bag and pulled on his old boots, he also put on a cleanish tee-shirt and a sweatshirt. It was a new one, Carolina Panthers it declared on the front, with a huge panther on the back, he was hoping it would make him look like a local. Before he shut the boot he took his cologne out of his overnight bag and poured it liberally over the passenger seat and was ready to hit the road again.
He got back into the car and cranked the engine suddenly he realised how tired he was. His emotions were starting to get on top of him, he was frightened and lonely and all of a sudden very cold.
“What am I going to do?” he mumbled under his breath.
He couldn’t just sit there that was for sure, so he decided to head for Eden to see if he could find a room for the night. Then he could make a decision in the morning that is, if someone hadn’t done it for him already!
As he drove down the road there were now signs of life. Houses set back from the road with lights glowing from their windows, many with a 4x4 truck out front which seemed to be the standard mode of transport here, and nearly all with the ubiquitous stars and stripes hanging limply in the still of the night. He liked the way they were able to show their patriotism by flying their flag outside their house, his own flag had been taken over by the far right and football hooligans and flying it from your house was seen as a racist act! Crazy in his mind, but then the whole country was obsessed by political correctness!
He drove past churches that would have been full earlier that day now with empty car parks and the occasional roadside diner who all seemed to be doing good business. They had probably filled up after their clientele had vacated the church car park had headed over to eat. As he got nearer the town there were a build up of shops and industrial units all closed up for the night, illuminated only by the odd arc light acting as some form of security. He past a huge lot full of mobile homes, double and singlewides offering an opportunity of a brand new home “for only $999 down”. He had looked at homes just like these only a few days before! Just beyond here was a sign for a Days Inn motel.
He pulled into the car park careful to park well away from the office and went inside to get a room. The office was scruffy and dimly lit, there was a television on in the corner showing some game show but the volume was turned off and the only sound came from the drinks vending machine by the door. There was an Asian guy behind the counter reading the local paper who hardly looked up when he came in and announced he would like a room for the night. He tried to add a southern drawl to his voice so as not to draw attention to his accent, who was he kidding he still sounded English. Asif, this was the name on his badge, really didn’t seem to give a shit, he was just happy to be paid in cash and left alone to get back to his paper.
He found the room and parked outside, went in and locked the door behind him. The room was awful; no wonder Asif paid no attention to him. He thought, they must get all sorts in here! It was a square room just big enough to accommodate the double bed, an easy chair that looked anything but easy, a bed side table and a chest of drawers with a television on top of it. At the far end of the room was a dressing area with a basin and a clothes rail and a door to the bathroom.
He drew the curtains, carefully, as a majority of the curtain hooks were missing then he turned the heating unit under the window up to full blast! The place stunk and he didn’t want to linger too long on what the smell might be, it was also filthy. The carpet was covered in stains and he was sure if he lifted the moth eaten rug at the end of the bed there would have been a chalk outline of a body underneath. At least he had a roommate, a cockroach; it sat in the middle of the rug staring him out. He wasn’t in the mood and stepped on it crunching it into the rug with his size 12. I might need to sleep in my boots, he thought to himself, just in case the rest of the family come looking for me!
He turned on the television and, with the remote that was chained to the headboard he found channel 18, the local news channel expecting to see his picture all over the screen. Luckily no mention of him yet but the film crews were still camped outside the house and there were a lot more patrol cars there than when he left. He left the television on and turned on the shower and was surprised when the water didn’t come out brown and lukewarm. He got undressed and got into the shower, as he stood under the hot powerful jet trying to scrub the blood out of his skin his mind wandered back to the beginning and how he got into this mess in the first place.

Copyright © Chopski 2007 - All Rights Reserved